I wish I was on this boat

I wish I was on this boat

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

It's winning, and now I need to go.

It's back again.

The last five days or so its been hinting and treatening and coming out in little outbursts but now its here and it won't be going until it's won. I am beyond terrified. It all started to get so good, the jobs, the positive use of my writing began to come strong again - which now will only be put on tumblr to keep this as the depressing pit of my own self loathing that it is. I need some way to deal with this but don't want to shout out in front of everyone on facebook or twitter "HELP ME - I'M SINKING FAST!" Although thats what I need, I need people to know, I need help. But then again I don't like it when people get too personal on them its meant to be completely superficial bollocks that others enjoy reading/viewing to feel better about their own lives or envy yours. Thats the unwritten rule of these things.

But if you're like me what else do you do. I don't have the strength to go to any of my friends or family and say "I need help at the moment, I need company, I need laughs" I just want to be looked after.

It always falls back on the boyfriend as we live together. He is brilliant but struggles to understand at times and if I were him I'd get so frustrated. Which always leads me back to the problem of - I'm sick of holding him back.

Holding everyone back.

This is my problem but it keeps getting me. I feel so lonely, I love Nottingham but it is so lonely sometimes. Most of my friends have all graduated and gone, I barely see the others, the ones I do see are all Lukes friends. With the exception of a few that I really feel have become mine too, Ben, Helen, Mark.... thats pretty much it and none of them live here now.

I need to pull myself together, got an interview coming up and so much I need to sort here, been unable to even make a couple of phone calls and now I feel like this. And I can't pay rent.

The cloud is getting me, too scared to get out of bed incase of what I find. A knife, some bleach, some pills. I really don't feel I can carry on much more.

Looking at pictures of my beautiful little sister and brother breaks my heart, I'm never going to be strong enough to be what they need.

I let all my family down, I couldnt even graduate or manage my finances appropriately.

My lovely distant friends, they don't need this burden.

My wonderful boy, he needs better.

I'm going to go, do whatever is necessary. Why can't I ask for help?

Cruel world, I love you.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Proud to be English?

So here it is, summer of 2010. So far we've had a General Election that saw a move against the tide of voter apathy with the use of X-Factor style televised debates that involved a lot of minority name dropping and name calling. The result was about as confusing as the Tories actions within the EU. The whole mess has made more calls towards electoral reform, most likely towards PR which does produce a fairer results and gives more of a voice to party's other than the big two/three.

Sounds great doesn't it?

I am for electoral reform but like with every political decision it brings numerous problems as well as resolutions.

The best thing in my opinion that happened this Election was that the nauseating British National Party ended up with no seats in Parliament. However, worryingly they received
563,743 votes, which in a PR system would have landed them with 12 seats. A party widely condemned by the sane majority in Britain today. Whenever I see that "Who do you think you are" programme on BBC1 I always wish we could put every member of this discriminatory and largely racist (NB "they're not racist") party through it and teach the fuck wits about their so called "indigenous" British race. I do not like the idea of having 12 of these neanderthals in our Government.

Anyway election over, what else have we got going on this year?

The WORLD CUP! Hooray.

As a big football fan I love World Cup summers, impressed to see so many of our boys in the squad and am enjoying the standard English optimism where every time we are all of the general consensus that "THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT!" Footballs coming home etc etc.

However, there is one thing that ruins my love of passionate, hot summer afternoons in the pub screaming at the television. When "people who are definitely not racist, just fair!" use their views on Britain's multi-cultural heritage and masquerade this as "English Pride"

The other day I logged onto a social networking site to see a few people that I knew at school and from my teenage years (I really need to start deleting these people that I've never even spoken to but I like to spy and seethe) had this as their status -


Ok rather than relentlessly lay in to the simply wonderful grammar and spelling of this post which would take me all day, I have a few more important points that I wish to make.

I sincerely doubt that this has ever happened, if it has there was probably a lot more to it than that. For instance, maybe someone was wearing an England shirt in a pub that had a no football shirt policy. Simple. There was a news story last night about an old dear who was "heartbroken" that the council had cruelly cut down the England flags that she hangs all over the outside of her house. Surely not, I was intrigued. Cut to a reporter outside her house that was covered, still, in England flags with twenty odd on the lawn. "Where were these flags?" the overly sympathetic reporter asked. The lady then replied something along the lines of "they went all over my house and then over the road (!!!!!!) around the lamp post then back to my side and around the house. I was heartbroken when the council cut them off the lamp post, it wasn't on anyone else bit of the road." Love, if its outside of your hedge, over paths and roads, that is not YOUR bit of the road. Her house was still covered and that was fine. I get frustrated that I haven't got much space to hang my washing but I wouldn't dream of hanging my knickers in between two lamp posts in the street as it is NOT MY SPACE.

Maybe this old dear meant to harm but I am only too aware of the sort of comments that will create, brain dead accusations such as that posted above. Its always because of "them" anyones individual responsibility, its "these immigrants, taking our jobs!" FFS, open your fucking eyes.

What makes me really upset about all this is that now, as proud to be English as I am these imbeciles have ruined it. Same as St Georges day, the simple flag is once again, as from the Skin-head culture has been hi-jacked as a way to make ill informed accusations about large groups of British society.

So all this leads me to think, what is it to be English? The type of "being English" that I identify with and am proud of -

  • Drinking tea.
  • Talking about the weather.
  • An amazing dry sense of humour.
  • The blandest food you can imagine but still love.
  • Football optimism and pessimism.
  • Using Cricket as an excuse to get pissed in the day
  • How mental everyone goes on a sunny bank holiday
  • Great history
  • Stephen Fry!
but most important is -

  • Living in a free, largely tolerant multi-cultural society.
THAT'S what makes me proud to be English.

And I bet you a whole ten pound note that the majority of these people who have these unfortunate views love nothing more than ordering a Chinese takeaway after they've returned from their holiday at their second home in Costa Del Chav where they've been going for years yet, have not learnt one word of Spanish and drink in a typically Spanish bar named the Red Lion.

Go Figure.

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Out of the loop.

Title says it all. I'm out. Its down to me and i'm just sitting and watching it happen. Watching the world go by, carry on, without me. Watching friends drift away, I always fail to make contact, bail on meeting people because going out of the front of the door is too hard. I want to live life, I want to travel, I want to laugh, I want to engage in hobbies again. I want to stop bringing everyone I love down. I hate the times when its like this.

It's all part of it I suppose -depression/bi-polar/BPD still waiting to be well and truly put in my box. A tag that I don't really want, its such a horrible word, an over used, mis represented word and one word can not sum it up. Its an agglomeration of thoughts, feelings and actions that can rule and ruin your life.

"Only if you let it" they say. Most of the time THEY have read books, articles, whatever but they don't know really. Saying that one out of three suffer with mental health issues at one point in their life. So really I suppose its the inward consuming nature of the illness that further isolates as you believe no one understands how it feels to be like this.

I'm fighting back as much as I can. Need to get registered at the new GP and get my referall sorted again, it was top of my to-do list when I moved. We moved 39 days ago now. But I suppose in that time we've dealt with a crazed neighbour who I had to get sectioned (it was for his own safety more than much else, poor guy) so I suppose my mental illness quota was done there. Tomorrow I'm going to get organised. It's always tomorrow. On another to do list.