I wish I was on this boat

I wish I was on this boat

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

It's winning, and now I need to go.

It's back again.

The last five days or so its been hinting and treatening and coming out in little outbursts but now its here and it won't be going until it's won. I am beyond terrified. It all started to get so good, the jobs, the positive use of my writing began to come strong again - which now will only be put on tumblr to keep this as the depressing pit of my own self loathing that it is. I need some way to deal with this but don't want to shout out in front of everyone on facebook or twitter "HELP ME - I'M SINKING FAST!" Although thats what I need, I need people to know, I need help. But then again I don't like it when people get too personal on them its meant to be completely superficial bollocks that others enjoy reading/viewing to feel better about their own lives or envy yours. Thats the unwritten rule of these things.

But if you're like me what else do you do. I don't have the strength to go to any of my friends or family and say "I need help at the moment, I need company, I need laughs" I just want to be looked after.

It always falls back on the boyfriend as we live together. He is brilliant but struggles to understand at times and if I were him I'd get so frustrated. Which always leads me back to the problem of - I'm sick of holding him back.

Holding everyone back.

This is my problem but it keeps getting me. I feel so lonely, I love Nottingham but it is so lonely sometimes. Most of my friends have all graduated and gone, I barely see the others, the ones I do see are all Lukes friends. With the exception of a few that I really feel have become mine too, Ben, Helen, Mark.... thats pretty much it and none of them live here now.

I need to pull myself together, got an interview coming up and so much I need to sort here, been unable to even make a couple of phone calls and now I feel like this. And I can't pay rent.

The cloud is getting me, too scared to get out of bed incase of what I find. A knife, some bleach, some pills. I really don't feel I can carry on much more.

Looking at pictures of my beautiful little sister and brother breaks my heart, I'm never going to be strong enough to be what they need.

I let all my family down, I couldnt even graduate or manage my finances appropriately.

My lovely distant friends, they don't need this burden.

My wonderful boy, he needs better.

I'm going to go, do whatever is necessary. Why can't I ask for help?

Cruel world, I love you.

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